Azu Stuff You Know Well, Not Really
by Hwikek
Summary: In a time before a true sequel, two sort of young women have an adventure that will change their lives forever or was it that they became so drunk that they couldn't hardly move for a few hours? I'm sure the answer will come back to me before too long, now embrace the terror that is Azu Stuff You Know Well, Okay Not Really But Come On!


In front of a nondescript gray building that was an immense aesthetic eyesore, two women stood in front of a red sports car. The two were well known for being highly irresponsible and unlikely to pull their weight around even when their lives depended on it. The hyper one quickly started to freak out, while the other began to play on her iTouch. And by _her_ iTouch understand that it belonged to the hyper one.

"Goddammit Osaka!" snapped Tomo, "get your grubby fingers off of my iTouch! That thing cost me $800 since I bought it with that AT&T 3G wireless package, which has less than acceptable reception whenever I'm in a concrete building underground or driving along a forested road in the middle of nowhere. Now you're ruining the resale value with all of those Dorito dust covered fingers you're wiping all over it!"

"Okay," Osaka began, turning her head to look at Tomo, "first of all it's an iPad, not an iTouch. Secondly you should know that electromagnetic radiation based technology has well noted limitations. Finally, too damn bad, I'm playing Angry Birds, Doodle Jump and one of those other popular app games. The only problem is that I can't remember what the name is. You know how much I love to needlessly waste your battery life considering how often you threaten to cause me bodily harm."

"That was the old me, and will soon be the current me if you don't put that thing away so we can car jack Bitch Pants McCrabby."

"You know she can beat you up right? And that she can use a crowbar to defeat the cheap ass lock on our door?" asked Osaka.

"I don't care if she's a fucking Navy SEAL!" snapped Tomo. "I want to go to the mall and hangout at the food court for hours stealing other people's leftovers so I don't have to pay for anything. Also I want to get some new swag before our new housemate Kagura comes to live with us. Do you think we'll need to get more towels?"

"Why wouldn't she bring towels?" asked Osaka. "Besides, I hate going to the mall. All everyone does is point at me and say 'there's that girl from _The Lusty Experiment_,' I just can't take that all the time you know?"

"Why won't you just fall in love with me already? It's been like forever since we last kissed!" cried Tomo.

"I just did that to get out of the Marines!" said Osaka.

"You were too weak to be accepted into the Marines!" snapped Tomo.

"You don't know that."

"Uh yeah I do," said Tomo, "I was there. I was also too weak. It's like we don't have any upper body strength."

"I think that's because we don't hit the gym," Osaka replied, "or want to do any amount of physical activity, or eat anything that could be considered healthy. My doctor said I'm likely to start gaining weight if I eat three Twinkies at each meal of the day."

"I'll physical exercise your face with my foot and cleats for talking shit about me!"

"You and what army?" snapped Osaka.

"It wouldn't take more than my 112 year old grandmother to overpower you," Tomo sneered. "Now taste car window!" Tomo tried her best to slam Osaka's face into the side of the red sports car, however; Osaka managed to dodge Tomo's poorly executed attack. The sound of Tomo's hand hitting the red painted metal caused the white front door to swing open.

"Hey you guys," said a familiar fugly, glasses wearing woman with a friendly smile on her face. "What are you two doing," her expression changed to a rage filled grimace, "in front of my red Lamborghini."

"Hey Yomi," said Osaka, "what's that thing you're holding onto?"

"Oh that," said Yomi as her face went into a neutral expression, "this here is my new best friend, Beretta, over under."

Tomo and Osaka looked at the heavily engraved steel and wood Yomi held in her right hand.

"And this here is his sister, Benelli, M4," Yomi added as she reached to beyond the right of the doorframe and picked up a black synthetic with her left hand.

"Why would you hold both?" asked Tomo, "I mean the M4 should be enough to take care of any threat you'd have around here. It has a greater capacity than that race gun."

"You know you'd think that," said Yomi, "but something about holding these two loaded shotguns and pointing them at the two of you just says one thing in my mind: deterrent. I don't know if you get that vibe too but," Yomi's face turned back to the rage filled expression, "I would, if I were you."

"You lousy neighbor," snapped Tomo, "I'm so pissed at you and your hostility. All I do is borrow you're car without permission, trash it, push it back empty and leave a bus pass in it. Now you're going to get a brutal beat down from this," Tomo snatched the iPad out of Osaka's hand and hit the square button, "because there is an app for that!"

CRACK

The iPad shattered into a thousand pieces as Yomi blasted it out of the "wildcat's" hand.

"Oh, that cost me $1200!"

"I thought you said it was $800," Osaka commented.

"I paid for Apple Care and it clearly stated it won't cover these sorts of accidents, come to think of it, it won't cover most of the things I'd need Apple Care for!"

"Yeah, well tough," said Yomi, "I paid over $4800 for this Beretta and another $2800 for the Benelli, and on top of that I'm still paying out the ass for that Diablo you keep takin' off in when you think I'm not gonna stop you from wasting all my gas. And then you go and give it regular! That machine is premium only!"

"Shit it still pulls up the street on low octane so why I would I spend all of my hard earned beer money on fancy gas?" asked Tomo. "Besides that's what I need it for today."

"I thought we were going to the mall."

"Osaka I changed my mind but if you still want to go to the mall that's cool. We could hold hands as we do window shopping!"

"We are not a couple!" Osaka yelled at the top of her lungs.

"But I love you!" Tomo whined.

"You two are not taking my Diablo down to 7 Eleven so you can go and buy your hipster Blue Ribbon beer that one of you will then spill on the dash, the clutch, and the backseat before puking in the air conditioner. You see I don't allow alcohol that tastes like goat piss inside of Max Awesome, it's imports or nothing."

"You jerk! I'm not a hipster, and even though Osaka totally is; I can't believe you just said that!" Tomo cried.

"I'm not a hipster," said Osaka.

"Are you sure?" asked Tomo. "I mean you do act as if you're so smart and better than anyone else."

"No I don't," Osaka snapped, "you're the one who does that sort of crap!"

"So," Tomo paused for a moment, "does that mean I'm a hipster?"

"No," said Osaka as she rolled her eyes, "that's not something hipsters do anyways."

"Well how would you know?" Tomo asked her crush with a loud yell.

"Well, I don't."

"Listen," said Yomi as she blasted the sidewalk near their feet, "I don't have time to hear you two arguing with each other over some stupid shit like this. Now back away from Max Awesome before you suffer the wrath of Mizuhara, the femme-venger."

"You're Japanese?" asked Osaka.

"You're a girl?"

"Why didn't you think she was a girl?" said Osaka to her most unintelligent roommate ever.

"She's just so ugly that I figured she had to be a man," the "wildcat idiot" replied.

"I think we'd better leave before you get the two of us killed."

"She won't kill us, she's using birdshot, that shit couldn't kill a bobcat from this distance," Tomo remarked.

"Did you get dropped on your head or something?" asked Osaka.

"No, I just don't think very well about anything on account of my short attention span and apathy for the words of other people. It was a real problem when I was in college and trying not to disturb the class in fear of expulsion."

"Will you two get the hell off my lawn!" Yomi asked Tomo and Osaka. "You're devaluing my property by being so close to it!"

"No you ugly witch!" Tomo yelled at her neighbor. "We're taking this car and you can't do anything about it. What do you say to that, dateless four eyes who's never getting laid?"

There was a moment of silence as Osaka watched Yomi's face seethe with pure unadulterated rage before she passed out from sheer terror.

"Ow…," moaned Tomo as she held an icepack against her face. Bandages covered her scalp along with a swath around her right eye while the bandages on the side of her face had the words _I'll be back love Yomi aka Your Demise_ well inscribed with sharpie.

"I told you not to insult Yomi so much and that we should just call it quits before something bad happened," Osaka told Tomo as they sat in the emergency room.

A man coughed near Tomo causing her to shrink away as he then went back to wiggling uncontrollably while his friends kept jabbing him with electrical devices. "But what the fuck is wrong with that evil bitch?" Tomo asked Osaka before she let out another sound of pain. "She dug her nails into the side of my face after dipping them in rubbing alcohol and you just stood there with your hands covering your eyes screaming like a stuck pig!"

"I was afraid that she might come for me when she was done with you," Osaka whimpered, worried that her housemate might try to beat her with a frozen ice pack. "Don't you know by now that I'm hopelessly out of shape and couldn't defend myself with a tank?"

"You mean from Left4Dead?" asked Tomo.

Osaka arched one of her eyebrows in confusion. "What is that?" asked Osaka.

"It's a videogame that has lots of zombies in it."

"Can you drive tanks in that game?" asked Osaka.

"No," Tomo replied, "there's a giant zombie called a tank that is really strong and hard to kill."

"That doesn't even make sense!" Osaka yelled. "How on earth could I use a fictional xenophobic villain to protect my life and stuff I want to keep using? You need to get out of this fantasy world you're living in where videogame shit and stupid plans actually work. How do you ever expect to find a career if you're just going to act like a kid?"

"You don't have to be so mean to me all the time," Tomo said sniffling. "I know that I don't do everything right but you have to give me some credit for occasionally thinking of something that sorta does okay."

"Why would any employer what to hire someone whose best is _something that sorta does okay_?"

"Just stop," Tomo sobbed, wincing as the bruises on her face horribly burned from salty tears. "I'm so sick of you constantly yelling at me and making me feel small!"

"You used to inflict both physical and psychological torture on me before you suddenly became a lesbian and randomly decided that I was your soul mate, even though I'm not gay and never have liked being around you."

"Are you two done with this little soap opera?" asked the nurse.

"What about that guy that was being tortured?" asked Osaka.

"What guy?" the nurse asked her.

"That one who was sitting right over…what the fuck he's just disappeared like a vampire! What kind of world do I live in?"

"We just accepted in a man who suffers from constant anxiety from the unrealistic notion that people are constantly trying to haze him. Supposedly this started in elementary school and has continued on from there. Just now a few of his fellow police officers were helping to get him into the emergency room, sometimes needing to brandish an electrical instrument of keel over to restrain him. The man is a complete psychopath."

"How could he be a psychopath?" asked Osaka. "They were giggling while they hit him like Volgin pummeled Naked Snake!"

"I honestly think you're making that up. Now it says here on my chart that one of you needs to have corrective surgery done so that you can move on with your…_pathetic life as a dunderhead_?" she read off of the sheet. Shrugging her shoulders she looked at the two women in front of her. "Dear god, no wonder this is the description on the chart. A face as hideous as yours comes from the foul depths of Hades once in only a thousand millennia!"

"Well that's an awfully rude thing to say about me," muttered Tomo, "all I did as get beaten up by this horrible psycho bitch!"

"I'm not talking about you," said the nurse, "I'm talking about her!"

"Wait, me?" Osaka yelled in despair.

"Oh my goodness, of course I'm talking about you! I mean just look at you! You look like what happens to someone in a generic scenario that degrades physical attractiveness to an unimaginable extent!"

"But what about me?" Tomo whined.

"Those gouges shouldn't leave any excessive scarring," the nurse said, brushing Tomo's comment aside. "Just enough to make everyone say, 'she had bad acne'."

Tomo paused for a moment with her mouth wide open. After the woman managed to choke down a bellow of rage she angrily spat out, "why the fuck would I want that? I should push you out that glass window over there after smacking you senseless with this old issue of _Reader's Digest_!" The "wildcat idiot" then stood up. "And just what are you going to do about that, you old hag?"

"Unbelievable," Tomo moaned as she held her bruised face and chin gingerly with her hands. "I never thought that nurse would call in the orderlies, beat me up, have the orderlies beat me up, pseudo-curb stomp me and then throw me out the front of the hospital saying, 'don't ever let me catch you on my turf again!' I mean, what kind of nurse passes, whatever those minimum nursing requirements are to be a registered nurse, and kick my ass like that? I mean that's never happened to me before!" the woman shouted to herself inside of her home. "And now I don't even have Osaka here to complain to," she moaned, "because she's having the surgery I wanted to have done to make sure my beautiful face doesn't suffer from the wrath of that demon next door. Oh crap I think she heard me!" Tomo screamed as she bolted for the door, locking it tight just incase. The "wildcat" let out a worried sigh before she slumped over to her TV to play videogames. The only problem was that she hadn't paid the power bill.

"Now what the hell am I supposed to do?" Tomo yelled in agony. Then she heard a very evil sound coming from her purse. It was an unusual combination of angry buzzing and the theme song of a TV show for little girls. "What the hell? I didn't change my ringtone to some _My Massive Aneurism_ pinky, glitzy, shitty song." She didn't recognize the number on her cellphone's screen but she answered it anyways.

"_Hey! Guess who's calling to tell you that I changed your ringtone as I beat the crap out of you earlier today."_

"Oh my fucking god!" Tomo said in fear, "if you so much as open your door I'm going to call the police!"

"_Relax I'm not gonna do anything to you as long as you don't do anything to me. You get my message? I don't want you anywhere near my freaking car!"_

"But why did you change my ringtone to some stupid _Powderpuff Horsey Doofy_ thing?"

"_Hey don't you backtalk that show. I have every single episode of that series recorded onto my TiVo and I rewatch them all daily in a single massive marathon. I also have every single season of The Sopranos on my TV, computer, and hardwired into my brain."_

"Wait a minute," said Tomo, "you have one of the most violent TV series in history, glorifying the life of the mafia that you watch endlessly?"

"_Basically, yeah that's sorta how it goes."_

"And you also have a TV show for females at least three decades younger than you that incessantly blasts through your living room, even though it makes you the laughing stock of this conversation?"

"_Why don't you jump off a cliff?"_

"Well why don't you stop watching a show for children, fucking children, you're a grown ass human being that will never get the attention of a man! You shouldn't be focusing on stupid cartoon shows your whole life. When have cartoons ever been that useful for anything over than entertainment or political propaganda?" Tomo asked Yomi over the phone. "You're obsessing over things that have no practical value to anyone!"

"_Look, just because I went to comic con dressed as an anime character, that doesn't mean that I obsess over television. And so maybe I've invested twelve years of my life into something that isn't really real but hey I mean there are those professors who look at those Shakespeare and old story things and they're respectable."_

"But they're still complete losers," Tomo replied. "Look Yomi, as your neighbor, I don't want to have to constantly close my shutters each time you bring some new _MLP_ or anime crap into your home, out of fear that a casual passerby might associate me with you and your eccentric hobbies. You should really consider doing something with your life that won't make me look bad, or make my new housemate ask questions about why you own half that crap that anyone can see through the window in your living room."

"_You pass up buying a life size set of The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya stand up cardboard cutouts for only seven installments of $189. It's friggin' impossible."_

"I don't even like anime," said Tomo, "it's just all so stupid and ridiculous. Why don't you get some sun or abs or, oh hey, why don't we go swimming in your pool? That would be so awesome I can't even stand it!"

"_Well, I guess. But you have to promise that you won't insult me to my face or out loud while you're over here!"_

"Well," Tomo said in an annoyed groan as she floated on a _My Little Pony_ inner tube, "this is positively boring."

"You were the one who said that we should hangout in my pool," Yomi replied to her idiotic neighbor. "And then for some reason you brought over a stuffed toy shark."

"I thought I could float on it."

"Tomo it's the size of boombox and made out of cotton and polyester with no nonporous elements, how on earth could you float on it?"

"It just seemed like a good idea when I reasoned it out in my head. Just like the time when I decided to teepee the houses of my deans and professors when I went to Yoshida South. I even blew up part of a statue with fireworks before the expulsion came along."

"That's…nice, even though I don't know where that is," Yomi sighed.

"Don't worry your pretty little head about it, your Auntie Takino has it all taken care of."

"I'm like eight years older than you are."

"Whatever," said Tomo before she shoved Yomi under the water.

Yomi rose up like an angry geyser bellowing, "what the hell was that for?"

"Jesus you're so uptight."

"Oh my god!" Tomo turned her head to see a car on the nearby road. "It's that girl from _The Lusty Experiment_!" said a frat boy.

His friend turned his head around. "Hey look she has a _My Little Pony_ floater—do you think she likes _My Little Pony_?"

"She has a what?"

"Do you think she'd join my brony discussions on Equestria Daily?"

"What is that?"

"Do you think that's her new girl friend?"

"Goddammit that's enough!" snapped Tomo before she threw the inner tube at the car, watching it bounce up off of the roof before popping on the broken glass along the sidewalk.

The car quickly sped away as Tomo angrily shrieked like a bloodthirsty banshee. After she huffed and puffed to her heart's content she paused for a moment. "Hey Yomi are you gay?"

"No," she replied in irritation.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Really?"

"Very sure."

"But wouldn't you like to find out?"

"I just told you I was sure."

"But you've been eyeing me this entire time that we've been in the pool together."

"We've been talking to each other the entire time we've been in the pool together," Yomi replied.

"Oh come on!" Tomo snapped, "I'm 27 and a virgin, what kind of living hell is this nightmare?"

"Wait, why are you telling me this?" asked Yomi in confusion, "this is starting to freak me out."

"I mean you must be lonely living on your own at 35 and still being single."

"I think I'm going inside."

"At least massage my chest."

"What? No!"

"I'll give you a $100."

"You don't even have $100!"

"Alright fine!" yelled Tomo, "I don't have a life, I don't have $100 and I also have never had sex. I mean, do you know how hard it is to live this way? I can never find other gay people! It's like they don't exist or something."

"Well there's only about 11% of the population that falls into the category of being gay," said Yomi.

"Yeah but that doesn't explain why I hardly ever see any of them."

"But from a statistical standpoint—"

"Listen mathasaurus," said Tomo, "I don't need all the numbery, sciencey whatever. But I would like some lemonade come to think of it."

"Okay…."

Tomo watched as Yomi got out of the pool. "There must be some way to convince her…no wait she's kinda ugly I change my mind." Tomo then floated on her back watching the clouds float by. "Oh man this is so bor—ulb huh agargh?" she glubbed as she sank in the water. She then started to franticly thrash around in the open water. "Someone, anyone, dear Neptune save me!"

"But you can stand up in that water," said Yomi as she held a glass of lemonade.

Tomo blushed immensely as she stood up. "Oh hey thanks," she said before snatching the drink from Yomi's hand, quickly gulping it down. "Ah!" she cried in despair, "sour! Sour! It's almost like a poison!"

"It doesn't taste that bad!"

Tomo coughed and gagged for a few more minutes before she took in a deep breath and hoarsely whispered out, "could you get me another?"

"Look, um neighbor," said Yomi, "what exactly are you doing here anyways?"

"You know you look kinda cute in that swimsuit you've got on," Tomo said slyly.

"Thank you?" Yomi replied with mild suspicion.

"Wanna makeout?"

"I'm not gay."

"But you look like you could possibly be gay!" Tomo replied with a strong volume.

"Everyone can conceivably look like that at some point in their lives," Yomi said.

"Yeah but I assumed you were because you're like a nerd or something."

"You should probably go home."

"Fine!" snapped Tomo, "I wasn't even being serious anyways," she said before sobbing on her short walk back to her house where she walked into her front door.

"Maybe I should be looking to move," Yomi said to herself as she watched her neighbor hold the side of her head, sobbing in pain.

"Oh hey," Tomo yelled at Yomi, "could you pick up my friend from the hospital? She gets out today."

"Why would I do that?"

"Religion!"

"What?"

"For $20?"

"That won't even cover the gas!"

"Some HoHos?"

"I told you before I'm not gay!"

"No the chocolate snack cakes!"

"I don't even like those things!"

"Please? She has money, maybe she'll buy you some of that horsey shit or whatever."

Yomi sighed in disbelief. "Do you honestly think I'd drive over there because of that?"

"I think she knows Tara Strong."

"What?"

"Hey maybe you'll get the chance to meet her if you pick my friend up from the hospital!"

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah, she talks about that person all the time. It's actually kinda annoying and creepy in a way," Tomo replied. The "wildcat idiot" then went inside, laughing to herself as she heard tires screech across asphalt in the direction of town. Tomo evilly snickered to herself as she sat down on her bed. "She's so gullible, like Osaka actually knows Tara Strong!" she laughed. "But I'd 've totally done it with her if she'd said yes. Why do good things never happen to me?"

**Holy wording god that was the worst thing I have ever read in my whole entire life. Every sentence was like a hot iron to my testicles that made me want to beat myself to death with my own teddy bear from when I was four. If I ever see you have written another story I will try my best to pray for the end of the Internet or that SOPA thing to ban all fan fiction just so I can be sure that I will never need to fear your lack of creative talent singeing my eyeballs with a combination of goat pee and stomach acid. All in all, I think I'll beg the Mayan Calendar to at least mark the end of your account so that I can get on with my life.**

**Best regards, Hwikek, (the same one who authored this fucking shit, how wasted was I when this came into being. Thanks to everyone who actually reads half the garbage I type, thanks for being an enabler. I'm **_not**_ kidding. I know no one actually reads these stories.) **


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